Dear YOU..

u came into my life, like u were dignified..

bring me a bunch of fun and laughs..

u colored my days with ur own language..

and that time i saw a boy that was one of a kind..

u always made me smile..

and even u always made me cry..

i can feel something different in myself..

u've changed me!

feels warm when i hug u..

feels happy when i kiss u..

feels empty when u're not around..

feels crazy when u let me down..

now u want to fly away, so i set u free..

but when ur world ain't working right..

u know that i will always be here for u..

i'll be ur home when u have nowhere to go..

thank u for all the laughs and tears that u gave to me..

thank u for giving me the best thing in my life..

because before i met u, i never knew what love is..

thank u for giving me this happy ending..

i still love u, and will always be..

dedicated to Anthony Gerard Morris

a drunk call

told me that u were crying cuz u miss me..

told me that u were thinking of me all the time..

told me that u still care about me..

told me that u still love me..

told me that u didn't feel so right when u're with me, but when i'm gone u never be sober and it all seems not right..

told me that u'll figure out how can we can be normally together..

told me that u'll take me to ur paradise..

that was making me smile..

but then u told me u don't think that we can have a normal relationship..

and told me i broke ur heart 3 times already when we still in a relationship..

that was making me sad..

i am sorry baby, i never mean to break ur heart cuz i do love u so much and i still do..

then i told u the truth that my heart is breaking into so many pieces..

i told u i feel so lost without u..

i told u life is getting hard when u're not here..

and i told u i can't get u out of my mind..

then u feel happy for it cuz finally i tell u the truth..

but when u said "baby, i feel sick now.. where r u?? i feel sick and u're not here.."

that makes me feel soooo bad... i am sorry, and i wish i could be there for u and looking after u like i always did before everytime u feel sick..

i am really missing u so badly babe..

and it's torturing me so bad..

3rd night without you..

day time :
oh well, i'm feeling better now..
finally i've heard something for u..
all feelings r mixed!!! sad, happy, confused, angry, nervous, upset.. lol
can't describe it by words..
i feel glad that u're fine over there, and i feel happy when u text me and remind me to not get drunk again tonight.. lol and i am sober now! haha
i have a lil smile now.. not really a beautiful smile, but at least i can start to smile.. :)
thanks for talking to me today..

night time :
thought i could sleep now cuz i've been talking to u today but no!
i still can't sleep.. u r still in my head and bothering my night time!!!
i was trying to sleep early, cuz i feel tired and a bit sleepy..
but when i lay down on my bed and get the blanket, i just realized it's ur blanket!!!
i still can feel your smell in that blanket..
ohh.. i really miss that night!!!
i still can remember i was sleeping next to u underneath that blanket, cuddling with u, and u gave me so many kisses and made me feel like a lil kid..
u really take care of me when i'm sleeping, and i feel safe..
that's the best feeling ever..

but what now??
that feeling about that memory starts hunting me..
i trapped in that feeling! it's like a very small strong jail!
i can't get out from it!
and start crying again..

*sigh* i don't know why i still feel scare to face the truth that u were already gone.. :'(

tuesday, 8th of december 2009

it's 5 days already since u've been gone..

i still keep trying to escape from myself..

and this is the first day that i didn't hear anything from u since that big fight..

i tried to call u many times since i woke up in the morning, but all i can hear is the operator said "the number u r calling is not active"..

baby where r u?? u make me so worry now, please tell me that u r okay..

that's what i thought before..

the evening came through my day, and i'm still keep calling u..

but it's stay the same, ur number is still not active..

i can't breath well, i started to cry..

i can feel that pain again pierces my bone..

thought i only feel worry about u, but no! it's not that simple!

i am desperate for ur voice..

baby, how r u? u know what? i passed ur house today when i was on my way to my aunt's house.. i still can feel ur smell, and i can still see ur shadow running to open the gate for me.. i still can hear u telling "hi baby, how u doing? bring some breakfast for me? do u bring some dvds?" and if i say no, u'll say "aarrgghh..u suck!" then hug me.. but if i say yes u'll say "hmmm good girl, u're the best!" then kiss me.. what a good memory..

arrived at my aunt's house, all people asking about u, and i said u r fine, and already go home to aussie.. and they asked about how's the relationship going, and i told them "it's all good".. still i can't throw those words from my mouth, "we broke up".. my heart is still aching..

baby i miss u so much.. i dunno what should i do to meet u, hug u and kiss u now..

or at least, let me hear ur voice... please let me call u..

i am a half dead by missing u baby..

i am so lost without u..

please come back to me, i need u so badly...

i hate night time..

sitting here, alone again..

still can't get u out of my head..

trying to breath, but i can breath..

something really aching inside of me..

i really don't know what to do now..

feel like a stranger to myself..

how could it be so hard like this?

i am tired, tired to have this feeling..

i can't think, can't walk, can't even speak..

here i am i found myself so weak..

i need to escape from this place..

don't have enough power to see what i have to see here..

all the places i've gone, all the words i've heard..

only can remind me to yourself..

to the time that we used to be..

it's killing me baby, it's killing me..

i even feel so afraid to sleep..

cuz i don't want to see u in my dream..

and have to wake up without having u by my side..

i am so broken now..

i even almost forget how to smile..

call me crazy, call me stupid now..

i don't even know myself now..

i feel so lost..

where's that happiness??

why do u have to take it away from me??

it's all mine and u can't take it away from me!

bring it back to me, babe..

cuz i can't probably life without it..

a drunk talk from a broken hearted girl

friday, 2nd of october 2009. that's when it's all begun..

met u for the first time, and that's when we started it all..

had a couple glasses of beer together, said many lame jokes to each other..

yea sounds fun, it was fun..

day by day we passed it all together.. trying to be cool and fun for each other..

thought that it will be okay, but no! u changed my life!

saying that u'll never leave me, saying that u'll always be there for me, saying that i am the best for u, feels like we were really in love..

told me that to wake up next to me is the best thing in your life.. u made me fly so high..

but hey, what the hell r we doing now? u don't even know.. and neither i..

all i know is i feel so in love with u..

ur kisses, ur hugs, ur touches r the best thing to make me feel better..

u r the one who always taking care of me, u r the one who always be there for me, u r the one who can always make me smile.. the one that can make me feel so beautiful.. u r my angel..

but where is that man who used to be my angel now??

he is gone.. i don't know him anymore now..

he left me here crying, lonely, i don't even have any idea for what to do or what to say..

told me that u need sometimes to fix urself.. i gave u that time then..

told me that u need sometimes to do what u want.. i gave u that time..

told me to wait for u, i am here waiting for u to come back..

but where r u now?? u were not coming back to me.. u leave me..

since the day that u walk out of my life, i am loosing my grip..

i still need u, i still want u, even i still love u, do u fuckin care about it??

i feel so down now.. it's hurting me soo bad.. but i have to face it that u don't want me anymore..

thought that i will do anything for u, thought that i will be anything u want..

to be ur wave when u have no ocean to surf..

to be ur diary when u have no paper to write..

to be ur home when u have no palce to come back..

i thought i am strong enough to through this, but i am not..

my tears has ran out.. my heart is already broken into many pieces..

when u said u have to go.. when u said u want this to be over..

i've lost myself, and i am giving up..

feel like there's no more light to lead the way..

i really want to delete all of my memory about u but i can't!!!!!

this is the worst feeling ever..

i never want to fall in love anymore..

P.S : i don't even know what the hell that i wrote..